And Thats All She Wrote...

It was the 5th of June when I posted my first blogpost on this blog. Today is the 8th of November. Since then, I have had 1266 hits (and counting) on this blog, 13 posts and one chapter of my life. I chose to give names to this blogs posts with the Wrath album by Lamb Of God. As you can see the title of this blog also being Grace. I tried to fit in what i wrote according to the title of every post. The most hits on a post have been on my first ever post which was Dead Seeds (76). I would really like to thank you all for viewing my blog and I hope that it helped you out in anyway or maybe it helped you understand me better as a person, what my views are, what ive been through. If I look back at all my posts, I went from being in a huge problem to somewhat better circumstances, coming back down to ultimately rise and feel happy over a span of 5 months.

There is another blog of mine where I try to write my daily posts. Stuff happening daily, my interests, hobboes, likes, reviews etc etc and all that shit. You can check it out here :- http://dailyentires.blogspot.com/

This is how im going to write my future blogs as well, as part of my favorite albums that ive ever listened to and posts related to the song titles. Stay tuned for more! Please read my other blog here :-
http://dailyentires.blogspot.com/

And thats all she wrote.

:D

Wrath

He was to take a step that would change almost everything. It was to turn his life around 360 degrees. It was the hardest thing, something he never imagined would happen - but it was the worst case scenario. It had been enough of giving to others. It took him a lot of struggle, a lot of sacrifice and a lot of pain to realize that he was done helping and thinking about others. It was about time he started thinking about himself and doing things for his own self. Self Respect. Others saw him as a person who was weak, dependent and couldn't stand up for himself. He never had an outer shell. He blindly trusted anyone and told them almost everything. For 2 years, he gave a band his all and never got anything in return. For they were his brothers. For they were the ones he was happy with. It was very hard. It was intense. It was maddening. For more than 2 years, he was in this void that he couldn't get out of. He feared this would happen. He gave his very own passion for his brothers. After all, family involves sacrifice. All he wanted was an assured place in the family for the future. Thats when things fell apart. They didn't tell him anything because they didn't want him to get hurt and feel sad. But the truth was, hiding the reality became the root cause of the agony. He'd rather prefer reality and face it rather than be blinded by it. It became irritating, intolerable. He remembered old times, when everything was so perfect. Everyone was happy. But then again, different aspirations. The human mind is the most selfish thing on this earth. It drives the person to do everything for himself.

He was lost, unsure, insecure. The only relief he would get was when he would talk to her. She would make him smile, make him feel better. She would listen to him and help him out. When he would talk to her, he would forget everything and just get lost into this different world, a much more easy and care free world - No responsibilities, just utter bliss. But he felt as if he was running away from reality. Then came the trustworthy senior. He made him realize his potential and made him think about what all he was doing. He was harming himself by not thinking about himself and then mourning about lost opportunities. He told him to be strong, to get up and fight. He made him realize that he was failing his own music. He was doing something which he never wanted to do. Music was the only thing that kept him going through all the bad times, and he was neglecting that. "If there's one thing i've learnt, it's that you realize the importance of something only when it's not with you anymore, that's what i would do if i was you. Do your own thing, earn respect for YOUR music." It changed his whole mind set. Its sad that the world is turning out to be individualistic and greedy when given a weird situation. But theres nothing you can do about it. To survive, you've got to do the same thing. 

He didn't want any bad blood between the brothers. He didn't want their relationship to change. He was scared, he didn't want bad blood. He wanted his brothers to still be there for him, support him while he parted ways and went his own way. Then came judgment day. With courage and determination, he said what he had to. Surprisingly, his brothers helped him, went with his decision. He was so glad and happy that he started crying. He had never felt so touched. For the first time he felt that people finally gave back something to him. Finally someone recognized his importance. It felt different, if felt lively, it felt great! He was at last happy and peaceful. But this is just one step. There are many rocks to be turned. Its she who he has to think about now. He either does something or its plain simple "Click. Delete." Like it never happened. To even think about the fact that it never happened. Not possible. Comparatively, this was nothing then. :P

We Die Alone

Do your friends feel like you turned into someone whom you used to know? Its really sad to be honest. At one moment, you're on this train which is rolling smoothly and you're in total control but suddenly, you face this diversion or a basic change in the normal routine and you're totally thrown off guard. You try your best to adapt, be yourself. Sadly, it turns out that you're doing actually the opposite. If you think that you can befriend an alien surrounding and still be yourself, its impossible. Its like Bombing will bring peace or so to say in simpler terms, "fucking with virginity" (Credits - Sahiba Bali. One of the most
awesoment status updates ever on facebook). You feel as if you're slowly starting to belong in this new place, it feels great. You try to forget all the old bad stuff and you feel all this is new and positive and that its a new beginning. You're totally mistaken. You find out this new atmostphere is all about people being fake and making fun of others for their entertainment. Non-serious people who don't seem to care as to what others say. They just have their own say and feel as if its the gospel truth. On the other hand, you;re trying your best to keep with your true friends. You feel like you're loosing them. You're trying frantically to balance everything, but its not working. Its all falling apart, perishing into thin air.

But then there's this wake up call. WAKE THE FUCK UP MAN! Analyze your position. Are these people around you really your friends? Or are you for them just a piece of entertainment or a burden? Evil feelings are crossing your mind, running through the Central Nervous System. The signals go to your body parts, sense organs. Your head starts to ache, you wish you could just fly. You start perspiring. You're scared. Then there's the lending hand. Helps you get up. Back on your feet. You try to regain everything you've lost. Slowly, its working. The heart is now conquering the mind. Thats supposed to be a good thing,
right? It feels better. You don't care about all the anxiety and confusion but it still bothers you sometimes.  Sometimes it really takes a toll on your thinking. You make drastic changes and think as if there is no other solution. You rush into things. Madenning schedules, tired brain, aching body parts. I just want to sleep. But I want to know a lot more before I shut off. Why did something just happen? What triggered it? A stream of questions, but just a bunch of answers. Progress is good, but slow progress might as well be harmful. Now you have no time left. 1 and half year and school will end. Its like almost right there, but still so far away.

You wish you could have the best of both worlds. But true friends and family seem to be the focus and priority at this point. Don't lose the feeling, don't forget your goal. Let others say what they have to say, only a certain number of people are important to you. They are the ones that make your life. They are surely a part of it right now, but make sure that they always continue to be a part of if, come what may. Arrogant bitches and self centered people come and go. You just have to ignore them and move on. MOVE ON.

Set To Fail

And then was when he got lost in the void. Not paying attention to the stimuli around him, just engrossed in his own self. Wonder if you could hear that song going through his head. Reading someone's mind would be so much fun. Its all so mysterious and unexplainable to a certain level, and quite vivid. He's finally broken when someone hits him at the right shoulder which was already in great amounts of pain. His eyes are weary, he shakes himself up and fiddles with his hair, cleans his spectacles and walks on. Nothing really matters for him anymore. He knows where he wants to go, and what he wants to do. Sometimes getting distracted, he feels unwanted in certain situations, but copes with it when he meets his true friends finally. The only reason Psychology seemed to be interesting was the fact that it involved understanding of human beings, the mind. Never did he knew that he would have to waste his time studying the scientefic facts about the brain and the parts of the brain, nervous system etc. He's satisfied with life, but not the surroundings. He sees haters everywhere, pitty's them to be really honest, but sometimes gets a homely feeling in an alien surrounding/situation.

First person never interested him as much as this does. He wants to work constantly on so much stuff, but is bound by the dutires that he needs to do. Fulfill your parents' dream, do not make them sad. After all, they just want you to live a comfortable life once they are gone. "If you get those kind of marks, we cant even put you in a capitation college," the mother says. Worried, she is scared about the future of her only child. She feels that he isnt working towards the dream she has for him. Oxford or Cambridge. Sounds so easy for them. And then there is the emotional blackmail, "If you want to be a composer, be my guest. Then dont waste the time of me and your father and get your name cut from school." At that moment, he just felt as if touching any musical instrument or listening to music was a sin. After he could take no more, he just wanted this feeling to go away. He resorted to listening to music which he would generally not like at that. But that suddenly made sense, and he went. "What the fuck? Theres nothing I cannot do." Again, words spoke to him. Push your care, push your burdens aside. Erase everything inside and leave just one thing on your mind. You only live once so just go fucking nuts! Like always, he was so confused. He was to avoid not doing something he cannot live without for sometime and just study? But again, he's waiting for that time when he would get to compose again. Make a new riff, record it. Post it on soundcloud. So what it is going to be after a month or so, people can wait. So can he.

Your vivid imagination makes you feel in some ways that you never thought you would have ever felt. And when you're given anxiety tests in school with questions like Do you feel you lack sex potency, you cant openly ask the teacher because the teacher is also not open to it. Then why the fucking question? What is the problem if people just want an answer to a basic question. Excuse me ma'am, what does this question mean? Does this question mean that im a pervert, or does this question mean that im just too scared and have no self confidence whatsoever? People need to grow up. Ironic. Grown up people need to grow up. And at the end of the day, he ends up writing an article on secularism. Quite a rare occasion. Writing about something else rather than his life and posting it online. The next day in school, he just wants to join the Global Warners Group who are running an anti-cracker campaign for diwali just to bunk periods. He also knows that he's going to burst crackers on diwali along with his neighbor and best friend. And well, there's nothing to back these actions up. Suchaparadoxicalsituation.

Everything is so cynical and fucked up. The inspector who accused Cheif Minister Narendra Modi of being involved in the Godhra Riots finally gets released. and all the media asks him is, "Sir how was your experience in jail?" I was shocked how he just kept his cool at that moment. Bloody hell. A person has been in jail for more than a week, gone through so much humiliation, and you're asking him how he's feeling? So many questions. His mind turns and twirls into a cintilating amount of rage. Hidden rage. It wont be long before he releases it. He is set on calming himself down, but it seems difficult. Music made him calm down, now that out of the equation - He is scared. He feels like getting high every now and then. He just wants to know how it feels like. Does it actually make you forget about everyfuckingthing and just relax? He just wants to feel different, elevate to a different level. Maybe he just wants to wander off to some remote place. Maybe the hills, or the mountains, or the sea. Animate-Inanimate. He wants to create a world of his own where both of these exist in a single form, not different from each other. He just wants to relax. He just needs a fucking break.

Broken Hands

So I performed my first gig this last Thursday with my band Penguin Park. First gig ever. The first gig ever. I can just keep going on saying that. :P First gig ever. Ok, I guess I need to stop now. I have never been this happy ever in life. An amazing reception, more than 90 people. N I N E T Y FUCKING PEOPLE! :O I never imagined that. That 1 hour is something I would want to relive right this very moment. And I could do that every fucking day. Play a gig every night. WOW. Anyway. Thanks to everyone who came and made our first gig successful, it really really means a lot. And well, thanks for the support from the people who really wanted to come but couldnt make it.

After the gig, my back and neck have completely gone for a six. I can barely move my neck backwards, I cant bend and I ended up having fever in the morning today. But something really happened a while back. I went to M-Block for a quick snack with Devesh, then went to his house and we just hung out, got in touch after a long time and then watched this movie called Four Lions for sometime. Then when I came back home, I picked up the guitar. Id got new strings put in before I went to Maldives, and well I had not touched the guitar after that. It felt sooo different. It was as if I never played that emotionally. My hands just flew, and the notes just followed. Amazing harmonies and concepts were running through my head. A very Trivium/Machine Head sort of feel. I imagined something very melodic, but with a mix of growling and melodic vocals. Something that would really send a message. Sometimes when you just feel like - Fuck You, I dont care. I dont want to care. It was as if for the first time, I was able to transfer the feelings from my mind to a wooden instrument  and bring them out with a plastic orange colored pick in my hand by hitting six strings which were on it. So yeah, hopefully Ill start working on something tomorrow. Something new, something fresh. Not the usual, that is - according to what ive already made and composed with fellow musicians. Theres one more thing that Ive noticed, whenever I watch a documentary or the making of albums that I really like, I REALLY GET INSPIRED and I go - WOW! How did they do that? :O I recently watched the making of Trivium's In Waves record. I love the record, one of my top favorite ones, and I really got inspired. I just hope I find people to collaborate with as well, as I feel that that just adds more to my music, gives it a whole new meaning. Its like sometimes, things go through my head which are ideas and styles of fellow musicians and I go like - This guy would be sooo right for this part, or this guy could make this part soo much better by adding his own touch. And then there are the listeners, fellow musicians who appreciate what you do and guide you to do better. Thats like, youre done with something - Ill send it to this person, that person and that person. Get it right? When all of this is done, I am left with not just one idea, but other many ideas that are practical, amazing and that in the end help me grow as a musician. I would like to thank all my fellow musicians over the years - The ones ive played with, the ones ive composed with, the ones ive competed against. And finally, the ones that just like listening to what I make. All of them make me what I am today, as a musician. And how can I forget, the biggest thanks to Sonam Sherpa for making me a better guitarist. Thank you Sir! :D

I just hope that I remain happy for a decent amount of time. I really needed something to regroup after the insanely horrible half yearly result. At this moment, I feel motivated. things seem sort of clear and I feel determined. "I feel the rage, and it burns the pages, of all these yesterdays." I shall look forward. Listen to TRIVIUM NOW! :'D

Condemn The Hive

Sometimes its actually better to just forget about what happened in the past, even if it itches you - the more you try to forget, the better. Yes, I guess my thinking has changed a lot. "So what if you disappeared into the darkness, I had a feeling that would eventually. Then I stopped caring, and began to forget why I longed to be close. Then I disappeared into the darkness. And well, the darkness turned to pain, and never went away. Until all that remains was buried, deep beneath the surface." Well these are actually fragments of lyrics from a Dream Theater song. :P Surprisingly, I have never related that much to any song as much as I have related to this one. This song exactly explains what I went through. But you know what, I feel good now. I have my friends, and they also know Im there for them. Yes, for the past few months, I kept quite to myself (I disappeared into the darkness). I stopped talking to a lot of people. I sometimes talked to some people just to reduce the boredom at that moment. I was not having even a single meaningful or substantial conversation with anyone. And I kind of regret that now. This is for anyone, if you're not feeling unto it. DO NOT KEEP TO YOURSELF. Talk it out with your friends. Say whatever you want to. If its negative, they'll tell you to stop thinking that way. Until and unless you don't let out whats filed up inside, you will never feel satisfied. And once you do that, you feel much better. You feel much lighter, more confident.

If I look comparatively, earlier on - I was facing problems much larger than what I faced in about the past 3-4 months. But when I look back, I feel I was very mature, because I didn't care or think too much about it. My mom always said, things will be fine. Totally fine. I guess I'm the youngest person on this planet to survive on a platelet count of 10,000 (you enter coma in 25,000) and go through a splenectomy. My stomach was fucking cut. I had to take steroids for more than 2 and a half years, to fucking living another day. And when people made fun about saying that I didn't have an operation but I just got a liposuction done, I felt so angry. Still I didn't say anything.  I was as near to death as I could have been. I went through that. Now when I look back at the past 3-4 months. I feel sad, not as to how I behaved about things, but how I couldn't control what I was doing. At that time, I thought it was not wrong so to say. I thought that would make me feel better. But true, I started thinking negatively about everything. I felt for a long time, that a relationship was something that would actually cure me of all these problems and complications I had in life. Yeah, that was easily the biggest flaw I had in my mind. :P Yes, I did feel kind of jealous when I saw ALL of my best friends get into relationships and become happy. But slowly, as they faced the consequences of something that eventually ends, I also felt that maybe it was not something I wanted after all. Weirdly, I was always skeptic about it. I would fall in and out of liking someone or the other, and never actually be fixed. I thought I had everything figured, but actually things were getting fucked up by the minute. Could I say that I was 'depressed'? I don't know. All I knew was, that it was really bad. Like really bad.

I still remember, after my splenectomy operation, I woke up and the first thing I saw was my mother and father and relatives staring out of the recovery room - and I called the doctor and I said, "Doctor, can you please tell me mom to give me my iPod?" I didn't listen to music for the next 2 days. The amount of pain I was in after the anesthesia faded away, I can NEVER forget that. And I can never forget the fact that my mother held my hand even while sleeping, when I was awake, trying to be as silent as possible so that she could sleep. She would get up at night suddenly, after I would groan a bit louder, and I would force her to sleep. I actually didn't want anyone to get troubled. Siddhant and Rishabh visited me almost everyday. They helped me walk again after the operation. Ohh the pain I was going through when I just changed my position from lying down to sitting up. Taking steps was like driving a chainsaw through my stomach. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. I don't think even that fits the description of the amount of pain I was going through. It was unimaginable. It took me 2 months to recover, and my parents and friends helped me throughout that whole phase. When my friends would look at the 34 staples I had on my stomach, they would start freaking out. And I would think to myself, thats kinda cool. Atleast I have some metal on my body now. :P Lol jk. So If I could get through that, I feel really sad that I couldn't get through the last 3-4 months in a positive way. This change of feelings and thoughts is helping me a lot. Now conversations with girls are much better and open, because Im not thinking of if I want them to be my girlfriend or not. Ive again started interacting with all the friends I sort of 'avoided'. Ive realized who my real friends are, and Im happy now. Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im looking forward to going to a mall with my friends, watch a movie, have a good time. Im looking forward to going to Maldives with my family, have a nice time. Im not worried about whats not gonna happen. Im not even regretful of what I don't have, but Im grateful to god for all that he's given me. A nice family, the worlds best parents, amazing friends and everything that I want. I guess this is my character reconstruction. :P But the million dollar question is, would you believe that it took me 11 repeats of the song "Beneath The Surface" by Dream Theater it was more than that?

Shoulder Of Your God

Sometimes, I feel I just let people become important in my life, that I forget about how it may end up. By the time I realize it, its too late. Ive been over it a thousand times, and everytime - something is different. "Different" attracts me to such a level that I forget about what others think. I sometimes end up fucking up my so to say not reputation, but how people see me as a person. At one moment Im this person who is really sweet and shit, and at the other end im just some prick. The fact is, Im still that same sweet and shit person. One fucking incident or mistake doesnt make me a prick or a jerk or whatever adjectives go through the minds of people. And then well people start good at your face, and something else behind your back always keeps happening. Sometimes, that thought even gets me questioning about my best friends. There are so many things that I want to change and that I have to change, and Im really glad that my best friend is there to help me out with that. That really means a lot at this moment.

There are a lot of mixed feelings at this moment. At one end, I know what I have to concentrate on but at the other end, there are piles and piles of distractions and things that I feel will make me happy. Its like all I did was wrong. I thought it was right, but in the long run it was wrong. There is nothing I can do to what has already happened. There is nothing that I can do about or change how people feel. The only possible thing that I can do is change myself. If this change happens, I will totally evolute into this new person, create a new identity for myself. My priorities have changed. What im thinking of doing is going to be really hypocritical if I go according to what I used to think. :P For the first time, realization feels good. For the first time, after a long time, I can say that I feel positive. If I look back at my posts, there is A LOT of negativity in them. And yes, that would be the first thing that I would want to change. I would like to increase my level of exploration and well, change my thinking towards many things. I know that I am poor or should I say weak in some specific areas, but I would really like to make a statement that I am not at all what you think I am. The fact of the matter is, you dont know anything about me. You seem to know a lot about me and make your judgement. But the bigggest thing and maybe the most hardest thing is - I dont even know 'me'. Does that thought excite you? Will you try to make an effort because you care about what the world thinks about you? Or what your close ones think about what the world thinks about you? Today, Ive realized that the important thing, is the second one. The first one was just a cloak to hide reality or a plain simple lie. I guess reality also changed when your thinking changed. Your interpretation of reality changed. Your interpretation of why you even started writing a blog changed and your interpretation of why you shared the deepest thing you ever came up with changed.

Change is something which is eminent, change is something which is good, and change is eternal. You just have to find the right interpretation of 'change' and how you relate it to the decisions you want to make. Is change good in your case? Are you better off with change or are you still ok with whats happening and just like complaining about whats happening and dont do shit about it? Today has left me with a lot of questions, a lot of thoughts but most of all, it has left me with the single thing that was lacking for a long time - Positiveness.

So I guess this is a benchmark for me, I guess this will make you think differently. So watch out for the sands of time, they just come falling in your line ultimately to crash down on you. Or (theres always a but or an or) you can make your way up, see the end of the tunnel, not thinking whether or whether not you may find the light, and just carry on, happily. Stop thinking, start doing.

Ps - This post is dedicated to Siddhant Seth. He has been my best friend for the last 14 years now, and he's a real motherfucker! Basically this means that Im thanking him for being the best motherfucker around town. Again, in the best way possible. Yeah I just hope you get it. :P (Why did My Heart Will Go On just start playing in my mind? GAY. Lyollz)

In Your Words

I'd never thought that I would ever think this seriously in my life. I guess this is really, well I don't know what to say. What I can say is, that I guess this is THE most serious post that I'm going to write (for now). I just finished watching the movie "Almost Famous" which came out in 2000 and it was about a boy who is a rock journalist and that he tours with this band called Stillwater and writes an article about them. The movie is all about how rock and roll started, its set in the early 70's - when The Who, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and all those guys would tour around in buses and play small stadiums or banquets and have them groupies and all that shit. And here's this 15 year old kid, who writes to like about the musicality of the music and how he gets exposed to the reality of rock n roll and how he gets it out. This got me wondering. Really got me wondering. What am I really going to do when I grow up? Do I do something which gets me easy money and luxurious life? Or do I do something which brings me happiness, the stuff I really want to do. Yeah, I've taken Humanities. Sure I've told my parents that I will try my best to study well, get good marks and make it to Oxford University. And Sure Ive planned that I will become a lawyer, not because my parents want me to become one but because I really want to bring change in the Indian society. But the fact is, what do I really want to do? 

Whenever I think to myself about being a lawyer, its always because a lawyer always finds time for what he really wants to do. And you know its always like - yeah ill do law, because then ill get time for my music. Thats it. That's where everything stops. My music. Its this world where I can just forget about everything and just care about how I can come up with a good riff, or a good song, or a good setlist for a gig, or what new album to listen to, of what song to listen to right now. Its almost never ending. My music gives meaning to my life. And I really don't know now, what will I really do when I grow up. I mean, I really want to be in a band which goes international, I really want to be in a band who tours all the european festivals and headline tours and play with all the mighty bands. Yeah, I really want that. But everything over that, I really want to make good music, Music that I am proud of, the music that I make. I don't know, its like its all connected. After all, music is the most artistic way to release your emotions and share it with other people. Yeah sure you can write the lyrics in a poetic manner or a very sarcastic manner or whatever - But it all comes down to the fact that whatever you write is what is what you're feeling and what you want to convey.  I guess it gets all down to that. I guess in a society like ours, if there is anything that gives me hope - is the music. And yeah, I mean metal. Sorry if any of you thought that I was talking about any other genre. 

Im really confused, the fact is I really want to to make my parents happy, but at the same time, I don't know if Ill be able to pursue my dream. I guess its likewise for all my bandmates (best friends). One wants to make it to IIT, one wants to go to Yale or Harvard, and well I don't know about the third one. :P The fact is that music has touched my life in a very different way. Im not after the money, Im after the recognition - Im after the fans. I don't care about anything else. I just want to have fun making music, getting my music out there. And well, If you like my music, thanks a lot and if you don't, thats also fine. 

Choke Sermon

It's hard to say, but when nothing works out for you, you really tend to get frustrated easily. Its like getting locked up in this small cage and not being able to break free, after all possible attemps. Escapes from this feeling are quite rare. Things that motivate this feeling are reducing day by day as well. An hour of the computer everyday which means - an hour to socialize, listen to music, write this very post for the blog, mix/edit music etc etc. And then the fact that your parents still ask you why you are using the laptop during that one hour of the day. You're just left with a jaw dropped and the mouth opened wide. You look at the time table for tomorrow, and the whole week - and think, "How the fuck am I gonna do all this in a matter of 6 days?" On top of that, my maths teacher gives me 2 full chapters for homework to submit in 4 days, and tells you to increase the time of maths everyday from 2 to 3 hours. As if Maths is the only subject I have, and all other subjects have no importance. Yeah, thats how sad it is.

The general environment is getting more negative day by day. The level of boredom is rising immensely. Its a big challenge just to go through a single day. You don't feel like going to school. You have a dream in which you're sleeping - and then you're woken up at 5:45 in the morning to get ready. Lack of sleep is becoming common these days. Though there aren't any side effects till now - except for your mind and health going for a six. And then you have people around you that just make you think twice. What the fuck are they? Human beings or animals? With no positive human emotions. You try to get away from them, but they just find you wherever you go. Its like, you can run and you can hide as well, but not for long. Then sometimes normal people turn into such objects of misery that its wrong even trying to explain their misery and the despair. People get used so often, and they dont know a fucking thing about it. And well then there is the basic betreyal story. Act all good at first, then fuck with the person when you feel like. As if its a fucking game. Ok now im gonna act all sweet and get whatever I want, Ohh wait, I think I dont need anything else from this person, he can fuck off. Well sorry to say, that actually helped get over you very fast. Its like that was the only thing was left to do. But thanks really, If you wouldn't have done that, I still would have been complaining right now. I guess thats the only thing that is good right now, being able to control your emotions to an extent. May it be anger or just simply laughter. I guess laughter comes in this picture because I really pitty what goes through your head when you think of fucking with people in such a way. Doesn't it bore you after sometime? And aren't you scared that it might just happen to you again? What are the odds?

I guess all this is just my "Fear Of A Blank Planet" and not the book that it was influenced by. Because whatever the album says, thats kind of what Im going through - Instead of parents, my problem is other things. And that kind of really excites or I can say fascinates me - Being able to analyze or think about what you feel, why you feel in a certain way, and what actually the final outcome will be. Its like again, I can control it. This sadness or boredom has given me the power to look at a more broader view rathet than just the lame "happy ending" theory. Its 1:20 at night, and I just feel like writing. Its like the part of the day when I can just let loose and break free - from everything. The society, the social network, the internet, the world. This is just my time and I guess I really have a lot of fun in this personal time where there's no one knocking at the door en number of times, no one calling you continously and asking what you're doing and no one looking through the window just trying to get a glimpse of whats happening.

Contractor

I guess this should have been my first post in this blog, but what the fuck? This post is so that YOU get know a little about ME. I was born on the 27th of January,1995 in New Delhi. I have been brought up in New Delhi. Now, Im 16 and a half and im a student of D.P.S R.K.Puram studying in class XI. Over the years, I have achieved various things that I am proud of, and well - Done a LOT of stupid things, some make me laugh and I still repent for some of them. I have been playing guitar for the past 4years. My life changed since I picked up the guitar back in July of 2007. I can play the Guitar, the Bass and well just basic drums. :P Before guitar, I used to actually sing - But lack of practice really spoilt my voice and now Im more of a backing vocalist. I currently play in 3 bands - I play bass for Penguin Park. I play guitar in Katai Bum and Drop. Elsewhere, I keep working on my solo project as well, playing bass and guitar. I have also now learnt how to mix and produce music. I just do it on my own right now for the music of my bands, but I want to start recording other bands and helping upcoming bands in the underground music scene in India.  I am also interested in photography - this comes from my dad. He was my inspiration to picking up the camera and start taking pictures. Ive just started getting more frequent in the past year or so. Ive started clicking gigs, and people are starting to appreciate my work. I am mostly open to all genres of music, but I mainly listen to Metal and Hard Rock (If you dont like these genres, its fine. Just dont say anything to disrespect them, atleast infront of me. Everyone has their own preferences and I totally respect that). My main musical influences are Metallica, Porcupine Tree and Dream Theater. Other influences for eg on my guitar playing are Dimebag Darrell, John Petrucci, Paul Gilbert etc. Generally, I do not like to get into any arguments and I respect everything what the other has to say and I dont really like to mind into other people's businesses. I sort of like being by myself and just be happy with my friends. Im actually really simple, kind of boring. And I think too much. I overthink about everything around me. That often gets me into making weird or rather, risky decisions etc. I have no idea how Im going to conclude this paragraph. :P Well I guess that should do it. For anything else, I am trying to figure out how to get that Ask me any question application on my blog. So when thats up, you can ask me anything you want to and get to know more about me. :D

Why did I start writing blogs? What was the inspiration? 

I just started writing blogs 3 months back in July. I currently have 4 posts and around 330 plus visits on this blog. I started writingblogs because of my best friend. Like a year back or so. I was really in a bad condition. I wouldnt say I was depressed, but I wouldnt even say that I was not. I was really sad. The whole moment was just very dark and unpleasant. Obviously there were things that led me to behave in this way. So one day I was talking to Siddhant (Siddhant Seth) and discussing my problem, he told me to write down whatever I felt, or make a video or do something. After that, whenever I felt bad or anything - I would just open up the notepad on my mac and start writing whatever I felt. At the end, I would analyze it and come to a conclusion. I would try my best to get the better out of it and just try to move on. Then there was this friends' friends blog that I came across. "kuueen" You should go check it out. Kuhu Joshi writes the most realistic and beautiful blogs. After going through some stuff of hers and reading it and relating to it reasily, I thought to myself - "Maybe I should also start writing blogs." And there it was. So one day when I was feeling all emotional and stuff, I just started writing. And the next day I made a blogger account, made a new blog and started posting. Now, the reason i am writing blogs is that I really want to go through what Ive written and try to make something out of it. Another is that I really want to look back to these blogs when I grow up - They will help me remember things of old times and blah blah blah. But the most important thing here is, I feel like sharing my experiences. Someone may actually get some help after reading what Ive written. That was what happened to me when I read Kuhu's blog. And I feel its the connection between the thoughts of people that I like. The last thing, you have all the freedom in the world. You can write about whatever you feel like. Its never planned out, whatever you write is on the spot - x tempo. This brings out your true self. You just simply let out what you have inside - release all the thoughts and emotions that are trapped inside your boned body.

What are my expectations from this blog? 

I just hope that it helps people out in the future in facing various situations and vice versa. I have learnt a lot from blogs, so I think Im just gonna do the same thing - help people learn something. And well, more people read it. :P And thats it I guess. :D

Fake Messiah

I wonder If you will ever look back and say - "I shouldn't have done what I did to you." Think for a second, that you actually cared about me, but didn't want to believe it. Just for a second. You mean nothing to me now, but still you make me think. I don't believe in your existence, but just like the devil, you fascinate me. It gets me thinking - What if it were to possess my body, and give me this power that is undefinable, strange, vivid. I guess the only reason why I believe in it is because Ive had enough of living a normal life - with normal incidences. I want to know how you are living, what you do, what you don't do. Is there any change? Are you doing the same thing to someone else, or still being immature? Its really amusing at times - Your existence. You feed of fear and pain, but sadly - Im perfectly fine. If you think that thinking about you makes a difference in my life, you are mistaken. You're more like a subject now, something worth studying. You are the abnormal that brings difference in the universe. Woah, universe. I guess thats a bit exaggerated, but I cannot think of any other word right now. Does all this go through your mind at 3 o clock at night while listening to Porcupine Tree? Im sure it does.

Things are just getting weird. The first odd months of my new class/stream were good. But now its just getting boring and uncomfortable. I have made new friends and they are nice and genuine people. But, they haven't been my friends for more than 5-6 years. They have their own bunch of friends, and sometimes I'm simply left alone. And its the same story with all my friends. We still keep meeting up, but the fact that we aren't in one class together - creates a problem. A BIG PROBLEM. I really miss them. The whole atmosphere has changed. There is this void, and theres no one fill it up.

Im not getting time to do the things I want to do. Everyday at school is so exhausting, I just reach home and crash on the bed. I don't have enough time for guitar, I don't have enough time to talk to my friends. I hardly talk on the phone nowadays. There are so many tuitions that I can't finish my school work. That leaves me with just around half an hour to an hour to use my laptop - Listen to music, talk to friends online, mix/record songs. And then at night, now my parents take my laptop away. So I can't sleep because I don't have music to make me to go to sleep. Going online through the phone is just useless - takes too much time. Blah blah blah. The list is endless. I am really waiting for October. The holidays, phew. Ill have some time to relax, cool off from all the stress, and be able to do all I can't right now. Just this one month. Thats all.

Reclamation

Sometimes the power of music is underestimated. Its supposed to be just a form of entertainment. That is not true, music gets the body moving, it invokes various emotions, helps someone to spread their message -Whatever it may be. I have been into music for more than 8 years, but I have seriously gotten into music not more than 4 years ago. I started learning guitar back in 2007. From then on, my knowledge of music expanded greatly. I started listening to various genres and easily accepting them because the only thing I used to listen before that was bollywood music and some amount of pop music. I still remember the day when my neighbor gave me this cassette to play in the car. The cassette was of Linkin Park - their album Meteora. The first "heavy" song I heard was Numb. Then came Metallica, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Pantera, Lamb Of God etc. I was introduced to metal music at the age of 12. Then came rocking out to those songs - learning them on guitar - The distortion channel on my Marshall. I would have never thought, that I couldn't sleep at night without listening to this new music I just discovered. Then came being a part of a band. Composing songs, writing lyrics - Being part of a group of people initially bonded by music, later to become a strong family.

This brings me to the main section of this write-up. Composing music - letting your feelings out. I have been through hard times in my life, faced the worse situations, but I made it through - just because of the music. The anger of a young teenager - makes a perfect metal song. It has the attitude, and it has the depth. The person composing the song does not want the world to know what he's going through to his song but unintentionally, it happens. And it happens because of the fact that the person is in that particular state of mind when we works on some piece of music.

"Falling in line, the ashes of time, Come crashing down on me." All I could remember while writing the lyrics for the song "Redemption" were the old bitter memories and hardships I faced. But after writing them down, and actually analyzing them - I felt really good. Now when I listen to the song, I always feel happy because that now is an achievement for me. I reminds me that I am no longer in a bad state. I deserve to be happy. and I will be happy. The intensity that the lyrics create - to me, are mind blowing. I never imagined I would be able to come up with something that good. Its sometimes weird, and really funny - How music can be such an important part of your life and actually help you think differently, make a difference in my life. All I wish for before I die is, that im able to sing my song - and that everyone hears it, and gets to know about how I was, or what I was.

The Passing

After some time, things started getting better. A new class, new friends, a whole new environment. It felt nice. The fact that every day was different, better – and you could sleep easily without talking to your mind. On another front, I was not looking for a relationship anymore; rather I would concentrate more on building a solid friendship. But straying off this goal was sadly occasional.

It’s really funny sometimes, when you feel that someone talks in a certain way just with you – when the fact is that they talk to everyone like that. Experiencing a variation in moods of such people is rather rare. And that sucks big time. :P You want to know more about them, but that aint gonna happen in a long time. Patience is something I have gotten better at in the past one month. There are those moments when you feel alone or you know just plain simple bored, but then there are positive things happening around as well. So I guess being neutral is better off than being depressed or being too happy. And im not thinking that much about it comparatively. I have realized what is of more importance. Thinking less about all this stuff gave me more room to experiment and be creative to a large extent.

And I have to say this – The best part this time was, I had someone to help me out and guide me through this phase of rather mixed emotions - If it was either positive or negative, having that someone who would help you no matter what felt really good. Finally someone actually returned the favor. So, I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe I am far better off and happier than others.

Dead Seeds

A warm Saturday morning, you are woken up by a cold glass of Cold Coffee just the way you like it – Less of coffee, and more of sugar. Mother comes and wishes you good morning, and jokingly “tells you to move your ass because it’s already 11:30”. You slowly get up, brush. Have a hot Omelet with onions & tomatoes along with a slice of brown bread and baked beans. You turn on your geyser and after 15 mins – Enter the shower. The day couldn’t have started on a better note. And that is when you decide to sit down under the shower and talk to your head. Having a conversation with your head is the worst thing you could possibly do. Your head takes you to places that you once were in, but never wanted to go back to. You remember such stuff that sometimes amazes you, but that’s likely the case. You are bound to remember stuff or memories that always pinch your shoulders. It’s as if you can never forget those things. The times when you were just plain simple stupid, and sometimes when you were just hopeless – With no one to help you. You feel as if it’s your own fault, but come to think of it, all you could do was move on.

The main problem is that you expect everything would be in your favor. I guess that is one place where you are wrong. This world is never going to be in your favor, you have to turn it into your favor. The so called “wants” in life will always confuse your mind. Selflessness or Selfishness.  The choices you make determine the outcomes in your life. Even after all these thoughts – you look back. Try to analyze yourself, analyze others. What happened to you that forced you to take risky measures? What happened to the people around you? Why did they not help you out when you needed them the most? These are some questions which can never be answered. The only answer you might get is – “Im sorry, I was immature.” Fuck Immaturity. You changed my life, and then went on to fuck it in the end. You don’t even realize that the amount of importance that you give to someone ultimately kills you from deep inside. To the world – You are still that happy child with a wonderful life. But you only know the thorns that exist inside you. In the end, this thought always wanders your mind – I would have actually done something IF I got another chance. 

You’re deep into all these thoughts – Then you suddenly realize, it’s been a long time in the shower and you have to get ready. You enter your room, check your mobile. 1 message unread. “Heyy. I’m really sorry. I got a call last night and then I slept. :P what is up with you?” Sometimes you want certain people to enter your life, to be a part of it, but sometimes people just become a part of your life and you don’t even realize it. Not like some guardian angel, but someone you could easily relate to and express anything easily. You wish you had more people like that in your life. “Arre chill! I understand. You got a call and then you slept. No issues. Atleast you texted me back abhi naa. Anyways, nothing much. Just had a shower and now I have nothing to do. :/ Tuition at 1. You tell me.” And then starts a conversation that will last the whole day. The only way you can possibly stop thinking about the absurd thoughts in your head. You literally drag through an hour of Math tuition. Take a cup of strong coffee because you were actually very sleepy during this whole time.

So you enter your room, close all the windows and curtains. Turn on the Air conditioner and close the door. This is your time. This is the time when you can do anything you want. Your room is your world. You sit on the laptop for sometime, fool around online. Talk to friends, watch videos on Youtube. Play your guitar for sometime as well. But then, “HI” – This aint’ the normal Hi or the Heyy that you get from everyone – You know who this is. And you are glad they are online so you could talk to them. Next thing you know – You’re already finished with your lunch and you are still talking with the same amount of excitement and happiness. You’re not bored at all. “Man I’ve never felt this good before.” Is it actually true that you have never felt this good before? Or is it just that moment? I really don’t know. But whatever it is. I’m sure you feel real good. We all say our goodbyes 2-3 times a day, ultimately winding up to the same conversation that starts after a little while, another “HI”. It takes a little time, but then you realize – This was no ordinary day. This day might actually change your life. After all the weird phases, you actually see the ray of light at the end of the tunnel. It’s how you perceive it. If you perceive it the right way, you are bound to have a sound sleep and thoughts that will surely be related to what you want to do next. And that comes even in your dreams. Perfect much?  “I just hope tomorrow is even better than today.”