Shoulder Of Your God

Sometimes, I feel I just let people become important in my life, that I forget about how it may end up. By the time I realize it, its too late. Ive been over it a thousand times, and everytime - something is different. "Different" attracts me to such a level that I forget about what others think. I sometimes end up fucking up my so to say not reputation, but how people see me as a person. At one moment Im this person who is really sweet and shit, and at the other end im just some prick. The fact is, Im still that same sweet and shit person. One fucking incident or mistake doesnt make me a prick or a jerk or whatever adjectives go through the minds of people. And then well people start good at your face, and something else behind your back always keeps happening. Sometimes, that thought even gets me questioning about my best friends. There are so many things that I want to change and that I have to change, and Im really glad that my best friend is there to help me out with that. That really means a lot at this moment.

There are a lot of mixed feelings at this moment. At one end, I know what I have to concentrate on but at the other end, there are piles and piles of distractions and things that I feel will make me happy. Its like all I did was wrong. I thought it was right, but in the long run it was wrong. There is nothing I can do to what has already happened. There is nothing that I can do about or change how people feel. The only possible thing that I can do is change myself. If this change happens, I will totally evolute into this new person, create a new identity for myself. My priorities have changed. What im thinking of doing is going to be really hypocritical if I go according to what I used to think. :P For the first time, realization feels good. For the first time, after a long time, I can say that I feel positive. If I look back at my posts, there is A LOT of negativity in them. And yes, that would be the first thing that I would want to change. I would like to increase my level of exploration and well, change my thinking towards many things. I know that I am poor or should I say weak in some specific areas, but I would really like to make a statement that I am not at all what you think I am. The fact of the matter is, you dont know anything about me. You seem to know a lot about me and make your judgement. But the bigggest thing and maybe the most hardest thing is - I dont even know 'me'. Does that thought excite you? Will you try to make an effort because you care about what the world thinks about you? Or what your close ones think about what the world thinks about you? Today, Ive realized that the important thing, is the second one. The first one was just a cloak to hide reality or a plain simple lie. I guess reality also changed when your thinking changed. Your interpretation of reality changed. Your interpretation of why you even started writing a blog changed and your interpretation of why you shared the deepest thing you ever came up with changed.

Change is something which is eminent, change is something which is good, and change is eternal. You just have to find the right interpretation of 'change' and how you relate it to the decisions you want to make. Is change good in your case? Are you better off with change or are you still ok with whats happening and just like complaining about whats happening and dont do shit about it? Today has left me with a lot of questions, a lot of thoughts but most of all, it has left me with the single thing that was lacking for a long time - Positiveness.

So I guess this is a benchmark for me, I guess this will make you think differently. So watch out for the sands of time, they just come falling in your line ultimately to crash down on you. Or (theres always a but or an or) you can make your way up, see the end of the tunnel, not thinking whether or whether not you may find the light, and just carry on, happily. Stop thinking, start doing.

Ps - This post is dedicated to Siddhant Seth. He has been my best friend for the last 14 years now, and he's a real motherfucker! Basically this means that Im thanking him for being the best motherfucker around town. Again, in the best way possible. Yeah I just hope you get it. :P (Why did My Heart Will Go On just start playing in my mind? GAY. Lyollz)

In Your Words

I'd never thought that I would ever think this seriously in my life. I guess this is really, well I don't know what to say. What I can say is, that I guess this is THE most serious post that I'm going to write (for now). I just finished watching the movie "Almost Famous" which came out in 2000 and it was about a boy who is a rock journalist and that he tours with this band called Stillwater and writes an article about them. The movie is all about how rock and roll started, its set in the early 70's - when The Who, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and all those guys would tour around in buses and play small stadiums or banquets and have them groupies and all that shit. And here's this 15 year old kid, who writes to like about the musicality of the music and how he gets exposed to the reality of rock n roll and how he gets it out. This got me wondering. Really got me wondering. What am I really going to do when I grow up? Do I do something which gets me easy money and luxurious life? Or do I do something which brings me happiness, the stuff I really want to do. Yeah, I've taken Humanities. Sure I've told my parents that I will try my best to study well, get good marks and make it to Oxford University. And Sure Ive planned that I will become a lawyer, not because my parents want me to become one but because I really want to bring change in the Indian society. But the fact is, what do I really want to do? 

Whenever I think to myself about being a lawyer, its always because a lawyer always finds time for what he really wants to do. And you know its always like - yeah ill do law, because then ill get time for my music. Thats it. That's where everything stops. My music. Its this world where I can just forget about everything and just care about how I can come up with a good riff, or a good song, or a good setlist for a gig, or what new album to listen to, of what song to listen to right now. Its almost never ending. My music gives meaning to my life. And I really don't know now, what will I really do when I grow up. I mean, I really want to be in a band which goes international, I really want to be in a band who tours all the european festivals and headline tours and play with all the mighty bands. Yeah, I really want that. But everything over that, I really want to make good music, Music that I am proud of, the music that I make. I don't know, its like its all connected. After all, music is the most artistic way to release your emotions and share it with other people. Yeah sure you can write the lyrics in a poetic manner or a very sarcastic manner or whatever - But it all comes down to the fact that whatever you write is what is what you're feeling and what you want to convey.  I guess it gets all down to that. I guess in a society like ours, if there is anything that gives me hope - is the music. And yeah, I mean metal. Sorry if any of you thought that I was talking about any other genre. 

Im really confused, the fact is I really want to to make my parents happy, but at the same time, I don't know if Ill be able to pursue my dream. I guess its likewise for all my bandmates (best friends). One wants to make it to IIT, one wants to go to Yale or Harvard, and well I don't know about the third one. :P The fact is that music has touched my life in a very different way. Im not after the money, Im after the recognition - Im after the fans. I don't care about anything else. I just want to have fun making music, getting my music out there. And well, If you like my music, thanks a lot and if you don't, thats also fine. 

Choke Sermon

It's hard to say, but when nothing works out for you, you really tend to get frustrated easily. Its like getting locked up in this small cage and not being able to break free, after all possible attemps. Escapes from this feeling are quite rare. Things that motivate this feeling are reducing day by day as well. An hour of the computer everyday which means - an hour to socialize, listen to music, write this very post for the blog, mix/edit music etc etc. And then the fact that your parents still ask you why you are using the laptop during that one hour of the day. You're just left with a jaw dropped and the mouth opened wide. You look at the time table for tomorrow, and the whole week - and think, "How the fuck am I gonna do all this in a matter of 6 days?" On top of that, my maths teacher gives me 2 full chapters for homework to submit in 4 days, and tells you to increase the time of maths everyday from 2 to 3 hours. As if Maths is the only subject I have, and all other subjects have no importance. Yeah, thats how sad it is.

The general environment is getting more negative day by day. The level of boredom is rising immensely. Its a big challenge just to go through a single day. You don't feel like going to school. You have a dream in which you're sleeping - and then you're woken up at 5:45 in the morning to get ready. Lack of sleep is becoming common these days. Though there aren't any side effects till now - except for your mind and health going for a six. And then you have people around you that just make you think twice. What the fuck are they? Human beings or animals? With no positive human emotions. You try to get away from them, but they just find you wherever you go. Its like, you can run and you can hide as well, but not for long. Then sometimes normal people turn into such objects of misery that its wrong even trying to explain their misery and the despair. People get used so often, and they dont know a fucking thing about it. And well then there is the basic betreyal story. Act all good at first, then fuck with the person when you feel like. As if its a fucking game. Ok now im gonna act all sweet and get whatever I want, Ohh wait, I think I dont need anything else from this person, he can fuck off. Well sorry to say, that actually helped get over you very fast. Its like that was the only thing was left to do. But thanks really, If you wouldn't have done that, I still would have been complaining right now. I guess thats the only thing that is good right now, being able to control your emotions to an extent. May it be anger or just simply laughter. I guess laughter comes in this picture because I really pitty what goes through your head when you think of fucking with people in such a way. Doesn't it bore you after sometime? And aren't you scared that it might just happen to you again? What are the odds?

I guess all this is just my "Fear Of A Blank Planet" and not the book that it was influenced by. Because whatever the album says, thats kind of what Im going through - Instead of parents, my problem is other things. And that kind of really excites or I can say fascinates me - Being able to analyze or think about what you feel, why you feel in a certain way, and what actually the final outcome will be. Its like again, I can control it. This sadness or boredom has given me the power to look at a more broader view rathet than just the lame "happy ending" theory. Its 1:20 at night, and I just feel like writing. Its like the part of the day when I can just let loose and break free - from everything. The society, the social network, the internet, the world. This is just my time and I guess I really have a lot of fun in this personal time where there's no one knocking at the door en number of times, no one calling you continously and asking what you're doing and no one looking through the window just trying to get a glimpse of whats happening.

Contractor

I guess this should have been my first post in this blog, but what the fuck? This post is so that YOU get know a little about ME. I was born on the 27th of January,1995 in New Delhi. I have been brought up in New Delhi. Now, Im 16 and a half and im a student of D.P.S R.K.Puram studying in class XI. Over the years, I have achieved various things that I am proud of, and well - Done a LOT of stupid things, some make me laugh and I still repent for some of them. I have been playing guitar for the past 4years. My life changed since I picked up the guitar back in July of 2007. I can play the Guitar, the Bass and well just basic drums. :P Before guitar, I used to actually sing - But lack of practice really spoilt my voice and now Im more of a backing vocalist. I currently play in 3 bands - I play bass for Penguin Park. I play guitar in Katai Bum and Drop. Elsewhere, I keep working on my solo project as well, playing bass and guitar. I have also now learnt how to mix and produce music. I just do it on my own right now for the music of my bands, but I want to start recording other bands and helping upcoming bands in the underground music scene in India.  I am also interested in photography - this comes from my dad. He was my inspiration to picking up the camera and start taking pictures. Ive just started getting more frequent in the past year or so. Ive started clicking gigs, and people are starting to appreciate my work. I am mostly open to all genres of music, but I mainly listen to Metal and Hard Rock (If you dont like these genres, its fine. Just dont say anything to disrespect them, atleast infront of me. Everyone has their own preferences and I totally respect that). My main musical influences are Metallica, Porcupine Tree and Dream Theater. Other influences for eg on my guitar playing are Dimebag Darrell, John Petrucci, Paul Gilbert etc. Generally, I do not like to get into any arguments and I respect everything what the other has to say and I dont really like to mind into other people's businesses. I sort of like being by myself and just be happy with my friends. Im actually really simple, kind of boring. And I think too much. I overthink about everything around me. That often gets me into making weird or rather, risky decisions etc. I have no idea how Im going to conclude this paragraph. :P Well I guess that should do it. For anything else, I am trying to figure out how to get that Ask me any question application on my blog. So when thats up, you can ask me anything you want to and get to know more about me. :D

Why did I start writing blogs? What was the inspiration? 

I just started writing blogs 3 months back in July. I currently have 4 posts and around 330 plus visits on this blog. I started writingblogs because of my best friend. Like a year back or so. I was really in a bad condition. I wouldnt say I was depressed, but I wouldnt even say that I was not. I was really sad. The whole moment was just very dark and unpleasant. Obviously there were things that led me to behave in this way. So one day I was talking to Siddhant (Siddhant Seth) and discussing my problem, he told me to write down whatever I felt, or make a video or do something. After that, whenever I felt bad or anything - I would just open up the notepad on my mac and start writing whatever I felt. At the end, I would analyze it and come to a conclusion. I would try my best to get the better out of it and just try to move on. Then there was this friends' friends blog that I came across. "kuueen" You should go check it out. Kuhu Joshi writes the most realistic and beautiful blogs. After going through some stuff of hers and reading it and relating to it reasily, I thought to myself - "Maybe I should also start writing blogs." And there it was. So one day when I was feeling all emotional and stuff, I just started writing. And the next day I made a blogger account, made a new blog and started posting. Now, the reason i am writing blogs is that I really want to go through what Ive written and try to make something out of it. Another is that I really want to look back to these blogs when I grow up - They will help me remember things of old times and blah blah blah. But the most important thing here is, I feel like sharing my experiences. Someone may actually get some help after reading what Ive written. That was what happened to me when I read Kuhu's blog. And I feel its the connection between the thoughts of people that I like. The last thing, you have all the freedom in the world. You can write about whatever you feel like. Its never planned out, whatever you write is on the spot - x tempo. This brings out your true self. You just simply let out what you have inside - release all the thoughts and emotions that are trapped inside your boned body.

What are my expectations from this blog? 

I just hope that it helps people out in the future in facing various situations and vice versa. I have learnt a lot from blogs, so I think Im just gonna do the same thing - help people learn something. And well, more people read it. :P And thats it I guess. :D

Fake Messiah

I wonder If you will ever look back and say - "I shouldn't have done what I did to you." Think for a second, that you actually cared about me, but didn't want to believe it. Just for a second. You mean nothing to me now, but still you make me think. I don't believe in your existence, but just like the devil, you fascinate me. It gets me thinking - What if it were to possess my body, and give me this power that is undefinable, strange, vivid. I guess the only reason why I believe in it is because Ive had enough of living a normal life - with normal incidences. I want to know how you are living, what you do, what you don't do. Is there any change? Are you doing the same thing to someone else, or still being immature? Its really amusing at times - Your existence. You feed of fear and pain, but sadly - Im perfectly fine. If you think that thinking about you makes a difference in my life, you are mistaken. You're more like a subject now, something worth studying. You are the abnormal that brings difference in the universe. Woah, universe. I guess thats a bit exaggerated, but I cannot think of any other word right now. Does all this go through your mind at 3 o clock at night while listening to Porcupine Tree? Im sure it does.

Things are just getting weird. The first odd months of my new class/stream were good. But now its just getting boring and uncomfortable. I have made new friends and they are nice and genuine people. But, they haven't been my friends for more than 5-6 years. They have their own bunch of friends, and sometimes I'm simply left alone. And its the same story with all my friends. We still keep meeting up, but the fact that we aren't in one class together - creates a problem. A BIG PROBLEM. I really miss them. The whole atmosphere has changed. There is this void, and theres no one fill it up.

Im not getting time to do the things I want to do. Everyday at school is so exhausting, I just reach home and crash on the bed. I don't have enough time for guitar, I don't have enough time to talk to my friends. I hardly talk on the phone nowadays. There are so many tuitions that I can't finish my school work. That leaves me with just around half an hour to an hour to use my laptop - Listen to music, talk to friends online, mix/record songs. And then at night, now my parents take my laptop away. So I can't sleep because I don't have music to make me to go to sleep. Going online through the phone is just useless - takes too much time. Blah blah blah. The list is endless. I am really waiting for October. The holidays, phew. Ill have some time to relax, cool off from all the stress, and be able to do all I can't right now. Just this one month. Thats all.