We Die Alone

Do your friends feel like you turned into someone whom you used to know? Its really sad to be honest. At one moment, you're on this train which is rolling smoothly and you're in total control but suddenly, you face this diversion or a basic change in the normal routine and you're totally thrown off guard. You try your best to adapt, be yourself. Sadly, it turns out that you're doing actually the opposite. If you think that you can befriend an alien surrounding and still be yourself, its impossible. Its like Bombing will bring peace or so to say in simpler terms, "fucking with virginity" (Credits - Sahiba Bali. One of the most
awesoment status updates ever on facebook). You feel as if you're slowly starting to belong in this new place, it feels great. You try to forget all the old bad stuff and you feel all this is new and positive and that its a new beginning. You're totally mistaken. You find out this new atmostphere is all about people being fake and making fun of others for their entertainment. Non-serious people who don't seem to care as to what others say. They just have their own say and feel as if its the gospel truth. On the other hand, you;re trying your best to keep with your true friends. You feel like you're loosing them. You're trying frantically to balance everything, but its not working. Its all falling apart, perishing into thin air.

But then there's this wake up call. WAKE THE FUCK UP MAN! Analyze your position. Are these people around you really your friends? Or are you for them just a piece of entertainment or a burden? Evil feelings are crossing your mind, running through the Central Nervous System. The signals go to your body parts, sense organs. Your head starts to ache, you wish you could just fly. You start perspiring. You're scared. Then there's the lending hand. Helps you get up. Back on your feet. You try to regain everything you've lost. Slowly, its working. The heart is now conquering the mind. Thats supposed to be a good thing,
right? It feels better. You don't care about all the anxiety and confusion but it still bothers you sometimes.  Sometimes it really takes a toll on your thinking. You make drastic changes and think as if there is no other solution. You rush into things. Madenning schedules, tired brain, aching body parts. I just want to sleep. But I want to know a lot more before I shut off. Why did something just happen? What triggered it? A stream of questions, but just a bunch of answers. Progress is good, but slow progress might as well be harmful. Now you have no time left. 1 and half year and school will end. Its like almost right there, but still so far away.

You wish you could have the best of both worlds. But true friends and family seem to be the focus and priority at this point. Don't lose the feeling, don't forget your goal. Let others say what they have to say, only a certain number of people are important to you. They are the ones that make your life. They are surely a part of it right now, but make sure that they always continue to be a part of if, come what may. Arrogant bitches and self centered people come and go. You just have to ignore them and move on. MOVE ON.

Set To Fail

And then was when he got lost in the void. Not paying attention to the stimuli around him, just engrossed in his own self. Wonder if you could hear that song going through his head. Reading someone's mind would be so much fun. Its all so mysterious and unexplainable to a certain level, and quite vivid. He's finally broken when someone hits him at the right shoulder which was already in great amounts of pain. His eyes are weary, he shakes himself up and fiddles with his hair, cleans his spectacles and walks on. Nothing really matters for him anymore. He knows where he wants to go, and what he wants to do. Sometimes getting distracted, he feels unwanted in certain situations, but copes with it when he meets his true friends finally. The only reason Psychology seemed to be interesting was the fact that it involved understanding of human beings, the mind. Never did he knew that he would have to waste his time studying the scientefic facts about the brain and the parts of the brain, nervous system etc. He's satisfied with life, but not the surroundings. He sees haters everywhere, pitty's them to be really honest, but sometimes gets a homely feeling in an alien surrounding/situation.

First person never interested him as much as this does. He wants to work constantly on so much stuff, but is bound by the dutires that he needs to do. Fulfill your parents' dream, do not make them sad. After all, they just want you to live a comfortable life once they are gone. "If you get those kind of marks, we cant even put you in a capitation college," the mother says. Worried, she is scared about the future of her only child. She feels that he isnt working towards the dream she has for him. Oxford or Cambridge. Sounds so easy for them. And then there is the emotional blackmail, "If you want to be a composer, be my guest. Then dont waste the time of me and your father and get your name cut from school." At that moment, he just felt as if touching any musical instrument or listening to music was a sin. After he could take no more, he just wanted this feeling to go away. He resorted to listening to music which he would generally not like at that. But that suddenly made sense, and he went. "What the fuck? Theres nothing I cannot do." Again, words spoke to him. Push your care, push your burdens aside. Erase everything inside and leave just one thing on your mind. You only live once so just go fucking nuts! Like always, he was so confused. He was to avoid not doing something he cannot live without for sometime and just study? But again, he's waiting for that time when he would get to compose again. Make a new riff, record it. Post it on soundcloud. So what it is going to be after a month or so, people can wait. So can he.

Your vivid imagination makes you feel in some ways that you never thought you would have ever felt. And when you're given anxiety tests in school with questions like Do you feel you lack sex potency, you cant openly ask the teacher because the teacher is also not open to it. Then why the fucking question? What is the problem if people just want an answer to a basic question. Excuse me ma'am, what does this question mean? Does this question mean that im a pervert, or does this question mean that im just too scared and have no self confidence whatsoever? People need to grow up. Ironic. Grown up people need to grow up. And at the end of the day, he ends up writing an article on secularism. Quite a rare occasion. Writing about something else rather than his life and posting it online. The next day in school, he just wants to join the Global Warners Group who are running an anti-cracker campaign for diwali just to bunk periods. He also knows that he's going to burst crackers on diwali along with his neighbor and best friend. And well, there's nothing to back these actions up. Suchaparadoxicalsituation.

Everything is so cynical and fucked up. The inspector who accused Cheif Minister Narendra Modi of being involved in the Godhra Riots finally gets released. and all the media asks him is, "Sir how was your experience in jail?" I was shocked how he just kept his cool at that moment. Bloody hell. A person has been in jail for more than a week, gone through so much humiliation, and you're asking him how he's feeling? So many questions. His mind turns and twirls into a cintilating amount of rage. Hidden rage. It wont be long before he releases it. He is set on calming himself down, but it seems difficult. Music made him calm down, now that out of the equation - He is scared. He feels like getting high every now and then. He just wants to know how it feels like. Does it actually make you forget about everyfuckingthing and just relax? He just wants to feel different, elevate to a different level. Maybe he just wants to wander off to some remote place. Maybe the hills, or the mountains, or the sea. Animate-Inanimate. He wants to create a world of his own where both of these exist in a single form, not different from each other. He just wants to relax. He just needs a fucking break.

Broken Hands

So I performed my first gig this last Thursday with my band Penguin Park. First gig ever. The first gig ever. I can just keep going on saying that. :P First gig ever. Ok, I guess I need to stop now. I have never been this happy ever in life. An amazing reception, more than 90 people. N I N E T Y FUCKING PEOPLE! :O I never imagined that. That 1 hour is something I would want to relive right this very moment. And I could do that every fucking day. Play a gig every night. WOW. Anyway. Thanks to everyone who came and made our first gig successful, it really really means a lot. And well, thanks for the support from the people who really wanted to come but couldnt make it.

After the gig, my back and neck have completely gone for a six. I can barely move my neck backwards, I cant bend and I ended up having fever in the morning today. But something really happened a while back. I went to M-Block for a quick snack with Devesh, then went to his house and we just hung out, got in touch after a long time and then watched this movie called Four Lions for sometime. Then when I came back home, I picked up the guitar. Id got new strings put in before I went to Maldives, and well I had not touched the guitar after that. It felt sooo different. It was as if I never played that emotionally. My hands just flew, and the notes just followed. Amazing harmonies and concepts were running through my head. A very Trivium/Machine Head sort of feel. I imagined something very melodic, but with a mix of growling and melodic vocals. Something that would really send a message. Sometimes when you just feel like - Fuck You, I dont care. I dont want to care. It was as if for the first time, I was able to transfer the feelings from my mind to a wooden instrument  and bring them out with a plastic orange colored pick in my hand by hitting six strings which were on it. So yeah, hopefully Ill start working on something tomorrow. Something new, something fresh. Not the usual, that is - according to what ive already made and composed with fellow musicians. Theres one more thing that Ive noticed, whenever I watch a documentary or the making of albums that I really like, I REALLY GET INSPIRED and I go - WOW! How did they do that? :O I recently watched the making of Trivium's In Waves record. I love the record, one of my top favorite ones, and I really got inspired. I just hope I find people to collaborate with as well, as I feel that that just adds more to my music, gives it a whole new meaning. Its like sometimes, things go through my head which are ideas and styles of fellow musicians and I go like - This guy would be sooo right for this part, or this guy could make this part soo much better by adding his own touch. And then there are the listeners, fellow musicians who appreciate what you do and guide you to do better. Thats like, youre done with something - Ill send it to this person, that person and that person. Get it right? When all of this is done, I am left with not just one idea, but other many ideas that are practical, amazing and that in the end help me grow as a musician. I would like to thank all my fellow musicians over the years - The ones ive played with, the ones ive composed with, the ones ive competed against. And finally, the ones that just like listening to what I make. All of them make me what I am today, as a musician. And how can I forget, the biggest thanks to Sonam Sherpa for making me a better guitarist. Thank you Sir! :D

I just hope that I remain happy for a decent amount of time. I really needed something to regroup after the insanely horrible half yearly result. At this moment, I feel motivated. things seem sort of clear and I feel determined. "I feel the rage, and it burns the pages, of all these yesterdays." I shall look forward. Listen to TRIVIUM NOW! :'D

Condemn The Hive

Sometimes its actually better to just forget about what happened in the past, even if it itches you - the more you try to forget, the better. Yes, I guess my thinking has changed a lot. "So what if you disappeared into the darkness, I had a feeling that would eventually. Then I stopped caring, and began to forget why I longed to be close. Then I disappeared into the darkness. And well, the darkness turned to pain, and never went away. Until all that remains was buried, deep beneath the surface." Well these are actually fragments of lyrics from a Dream Theater song. :P Surprisingly, I have never related that much to any song as much as I have related to this one. This song exactly explains what I went through. But you know what, I feel good now. I have my friends, and they also know Im there for them. Yes, for the past few months, I kept quite to myself (I disappeared into the darkness). I stopped talking to a lot of people. I sometimes talked to some people just to reduce the boredom at that moment. I was not having even a single meaningful or substantial conversation with anyone. And I kind of regret that now. This is for anyone, if you're not feeling unto it. DO NOT KEEP TO YOURSELF. Talk it out with your friends. Say whatever you want to. If its negative, they'll tell you to stop thinking that way. Until and unless you don't let out whats filed up inside, you will never feel satisfied. And once you do that, you feel much better. You feel much lighter, more confident.

If I look comparatively, earlier on - I was facing problems much larger than what I faced in about the past 3-4 months. But when I look back, I feel I was very mature, because I didn't care or think too much about it. My mom always said, things will be fine. Totally fine. I guess I'm the youngest person on this planet to survive on a platelet count of 10,000 (you enter coma in 25,000) and go through a splenectomy. My stomach was fucking cut. I had to take steroids for more than 2 and a half years, to fucking living another day. And when people made fun about saying that I didn't have an operation but I just got a liposuction done, I felt so angry. Still I didn't say anything.  I was as near to death as I could have been. I went through that. Now when I look back at the past 3-4 months. I feel sad, not as to how I behaved about things, but how I couldn't control what I was doing. At that time, I thought it was not wrong so to say. I thought that would make me feel better. But true, I started thinking negatively about everything. I felt for a long time, that a relationship was something that would actually cure me of all these problems and complications I had in life. Yeah, that was easily the biggest flaw I had in my mind. :P Yes, I did feel kind of jealous when I saw ALL of my best friends get into relationships and become happy. But slowly, as they faced the consequences of something that eventually ends, I also felt that maybe it was not something I wanted after all. Weirdly, I was always skeptic about it. I would fall in and out of liking someone or the other, and never actually be fixed. I thought I had everything figured, but actually things were getting fucked up by the minute. Could I say that I was 'depressed'? I don't know. All I knew was, that it was really bad. Like really bad.

I still remember, after my splenectomy operation, I woke up and the first thing I saw was my mother and father and relatives staring out of the recovery room - and I called the doctor and I said, "Doctor, can you please tell me mom to give me my iPod?" I didn't listen to music for the next 2 days. The amount of pain I was in after the anesthesia faded away, I can NEVER forget that. And I can never forget the fact that my mother held my hand even while sleeping, when I was awake, trying to be as silent as possible so that she could sleep. She would get up at night suddenly, after I would groan a bit louder, and I would force her to sleep. I actually didn't want anyone to get troubled. Siddhant and Rishabh visited me almost everyday. They helped me walk again after the operation. Ohh the pain I was going through when I just changed my position from lying down to sitting up. Taking steps was like driving a chainsaw through my stomach. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. I don't think even that fits the description of the amount of pain I was going through. It was unimaginable. It took me 2 months to recover, and my parents and friends helped me throughout that whole phase. When my friends would look at the 34 staples I had on my stomach, they would start freaking out. And I would think to myself, thats kinda cool. Atleast I have some metal on my body now. :P Lol jk. So If I could get through that, I feel really sad that I couldn't get through the last 3-4 months in a positive way. This change of feelings and thoughts is helping me a lot. Now conversations with girls are much better and open, because Im not thinking of if I want them to be my girlfriend or not. Ive again started interacting with all the friends I sort of 'avoided'. Ive realized who my real friends are, and Im happy now. Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im looking forward to going to a mall with my friends, watch a movie, have a good time. Im looking forward to going to Maldives with my family, have a nice time. Im not worried about whats not gonna happen. Im not even regretful of what I don't have, but Im grateful to god for all that he's given me. A nice family, the worlds best parents, amazing friends and everything that I want. I guess this is my character reconstruction. :P But the million dollar question is, would you believe that it took me 11 repeats of the song "Beneath The Surface" by Dream Theater it was more than that?