Sometimes its actually better to just forget about what happened in the past, even if it itches you - the more you try to forget, the better. Yes, I guess my thinking has changed a lot. "So what if you disappeared into the darkness, I had a feeling that would eventually. Then I stopped caring, and began to forget why I longed to be close. Then I disappeared into the darkness. And well, the darkness turned to pain, and never went away. Until all that remains was buried, deep beneath the surface." Well these are actually fragments of lyrics from a Dream Theater song. :P Surprisingly, I have never related that much to any song as much as I have related to this one. This song exactly explains what I went through. But you know what, I feel good now. I have my friends, and they also know Im there for them. Yes, for the past few months, I kept quite to myself (I disappeared into the darkness). I stopped talking to a lot of people. I sometimes talked to some people just to reduce the boredom at that moment. I was not having even a single meaningful or substantial conversation with anyone. And I kind of regret that now. This is for anyone, if you're not feeling unto it. DO NOT KEEP TO YOURSELF. Talk it out with your friends. Say whatever you want to. If its negative, they'll tell you to stop thinking that way. Until and unless you don't let out whats filed up inside, you will never feel satisfied. And once you do that, you feel much better. You feel much lighter, more confident.
If I look comparatively, earlier on - I was facing problems much larger than what I faced in about the past 3-4 months. But when I look back, I feel I was very mature, because I didn't care or think too much about it. My mom always said, things will be fine. Totally fine. I guess I'm the youngest person on this planet to survive on a platelet count of 10,000 (you enter coma in 25,000) and go through a splenectomy. My stomach was fucking cut. I had to take steroids for more than 2 and a half years, to fucking living another day. And when people made fun about saying that I didn't have an operation but I just got a liposuction done, I felt so angry. Still I didn't say anything. I was as near to death as I could have been. I went through that. Now when I look back at the past 3-4 months. I feel sad, not as to how I behaved about things, but how I couldn't control what I was doing. At that time, I thought it was not wrong so to say. I thought that would make me feel better. But true, I started thinking negatively about everything. I felt for a long time, that a relationship was something that would actually cure me of all these problems and complications I had in life. Yeah, that was easily the biggest flaw I had in my mind. :P Yes, I did feel kind of jealous when I saw ALL of my best friends get into relationships and become happy. But slowly, as they faced the consequences of something that eventually ends, I also felt that maybe it was not something I wanted after all. Weirdly, I was always skeptic about it. I would fall in and out of liking someone or the other, and never actually be fixed. I thought I had everything figured, but actually things were getting fucked up by the minute. Could I say that I was 'depressed'? I don't know. All I knew was, that it was really bad. Like really bad.
I still remember, after my splenectomy operation, I woke up and the first thing I saw was my mother and father and relatives staring out of the recovery room - and I called the doctor and I said, "Doctor, can you please tell me mom to give me my iPod?" I didn't listen to music for the next 2 days. The amount of pain I was in after the anesthesia faded away, I can NEVER forget that. And I can never forget the fact that my mother held my hand even while sleeping, when I was awake, trying to be as silent as possible so that she could sleep. She would get up at night suddenly, after I would groan a bit louder, and I would force her to sleep. I actually didn't want anyone to get troubled. Siddhant and Rishabh visited me almost everyday. They helped me walk again after the operation. Ohh the pain I was going through when I just changed my position from lying down to sitting up. Taking steps was like driving a chainsaw through my stomach. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. I don't think even that fits the description of the amount of pain I was going through. It was unimaginable. It took me 2 months to recover, and my parents and friends helped me throughout that whole phase. When my friends would look at the 34 staples I had on my stomach, they would start freaking out. And I would think to myself, thats kinda cool. Atleast I have some metal on my body now. :P Lol jk. So If I could get through that, I feel really sad that I couldn't get through the last 3-4 months in a positive way. This change of feelings and thoughts is helping me a lot. Now conversations with girls are much better and open, because Im not thinking of if I want them to be my girlfriend or not. Ive again started interacting with all the friends I sort of 'avoided'. Ive realized who my real friends are, and Im happy now. Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im looking forward to going to a mall with my friends, watch a movie, have a good time. Im looking forward to going to Maldives with my family, have a nice time. Im not worried about whats not gonna happen. Im not even regretful of what I don't have, but Im grateful to god for all that he's given me. A nice family, the worlds best parents, amazing friends and everything that I want. I guess this is my character reconstruction. :P But the million dollar question is, would you believe that it took me 11 repeats of the song "Beneath The Surface" by Dream Theater it was more than that?
If I look comparatively, earlier on - I was facing problems much larger than what I faced in about the past 3-4 months. But when I look back, I feel I was very mature, because I didn't care or think too much about it. My mom always said, things will be fine. Totally fine. I guess I'm the youngest person on this planet to survive on a platelet count of 10,000 (you enter coma in 25,000) and go through a splenectomy. My stomach was fucking cut. I had to take steroids for more than 2 and a half years, to fucking living another day. And when people made fun about saying that I didn't have an operation but I just got a liposuction done, I felt so angry. Still I didn't say anything. I was as near to death as I could have been. I went through that. Now when I look back at the past 3-4 months. I feel sad, not as to how I behaved about things, but how I couldn't control what I was doing. At that time, I thought it was not wrong so to say. I thought that would make me feel better. But true, I started thinking negatively about everything. I felt for a long time, that a relationship was something that would actually cure me of all these problems and complications I had in life. Yeah, that was easily the biggest flaw I had in my mind. :P Yes, I did feel kind of jealous when I saw ALL of my best friends get into relationships and become happy. But slowly, as they faced the consequences of something that eventually ends, I also felt that maybe it was not something I wanted after all. Weirdly, I was always skeptic about it. I would fall in and out of liking someone or the other, and never actually be fixed. I thought I had everything figured, but actually things were getting fucked up by the minute. Could I say that I was 'depressed'? I don't know. All I knew was, that it was really bad. Like really bad.
I still remember, after my splenectomy operation, I woke up and the first thing I saw was my mother and father and relatives staring out of the recovery room - and I called the doctor and I said, "Doctor, can you please tell me mom to give me my iPod?" I didn't listen to music for the next 2 days. The amount of pain I was in after the anesthesia faded away, I can NEVER forget that. And I can never forget the fact that my mother held my hand even while sleeping, when I was awake, trying to be as silent as possible so that she could sleep. She would get up at night suddenly, after I would groan a bit louder, and I would force her to sleep. I actually didn't want anyone to get troubled. Siddhant and Rishabh visited me almost everyday. They helped me walk again after the operation. Ohh the pain I was going through when I just changed my position from lying down to sitting up. Taking steps was like driving a chainsaw through my stomach. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. I don't think even that fits the description of the amount of pain I was going through. It was unimaginable. It took me 2 months to recover, and my parents and friends helped me throughout that whole phase. When my friends would look at the 34 staples I had on my stomach, they would start freaking out. And I would think to myself, thats kinda cool. Atleast I have some metal on my body now. :P Lol jk. So If I could get through that, I feel really sad that I couldn't get through the last 3-4 months in a positive way. This change of feelings and thoughts is helping me a lot. Now conversations with girls are much better and open, because Im not thinking of if I want them to be my girlfriend or not. Ive again started interacting with all the friends I sort of 'avoided'. Ive realized who my real friends are, and Im happy now. Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im looking forward to going to a mall with my friends, watch a movie, have a good time. Im looking forward to going to Maldives with my family, have a nice time. Im not worried about whats not gonna happen. Im not even regretful of what I don't have, but Im grateful to god for all that he's given me. A nice family, the worlds best parents, amazing friends and everything that I want. I guess this is my character reconstruction. :P But the million dollar question is, would you believe that it took me 11 repeats of the song "Beneath The Surface" by Dream Theater it was more than that?
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