In Your Words

I'd never thought that I would ever think this seriously in my life. I guess this is really, well I don't know what to say. What I can say is, that I guess this is THE most serious post that I'm going to write (for now). I just finished watching the movie "Almost Famous" which came out in 2000 and it was about a boy who is a rock journalist and that he tours with this band called Stillwater and writes an article about them. The movie is all about how rock and roll started, its set in the early 70's - when The Who, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath and all those guys would tour around in buses and play small stadiums or banquets and have them groupies and all that shit. And here's this 15 year old kid, who writes to like about the musicality of the music and how he gets exposed to the reality of rock n roll and how he gets it out. This got me wondering. Really got me wondering. What am I really going to do when I grow up? Do I do something which gets me easy money and luxurious life? Or do I do something which brings me happiness, the stuff I really want to do. Yeah, I've taken Humanities. Sure I've told my parents that I will try my best to study well, get good marks and make it to Oxford University. And Sure Ive planned that I will become a lawyer, not because my parents want me to become one but because I really want to bring change in the Indian society. But the fact is, what do I really want to do? 

Whenever I think to myself about being a lawyer, its always because a lawyer always finds time for what he really wants to do. And you know its always like - yeah ill do law, because then ill get time for my music. Thats it. That's where everything stops. My music. Its this world where I can just forget about everything and just care about how I can come up with a good riff, or a good song, or a good setlist for a gig, or what new album to listen to, of what song to listen to right now. Its almost never ending. My music gives meaning to my life. And I really don't know now, what will I really do when I grow up. I mean, I really want to be in a band which goes international, I really want to be in a band who tours all the european festivals and headline tours and play with all the mighty bands. Yeah, I really want that. But everything over that, I really want to make good music, Music that I am proud of, the music that I make. I don't know, its like its all connected. After all, music is the most artistic way to release your emotions and share it with other people. Yeah sure you can write the lyrics in a poetic manner or a very sarcastic manner or whatever - But it all comes down to the fact that whatever you write is what is what you're feeling and what you want to convey.  I guess it gets all down to that. I guess in a society like ours, if there is anything that gives me hope - is the music. And yeah, I mean metal. Sorry if any of you thought that I was talking about any other genre. 

Im really confused, the fact is I really want to to make my parents happy, but at the same time, I don't know if Ill be able to pursue my dream. I guess its likewise for all my bandmates (best friends). One wants to make it to IIT, one wants to go to Yale or Harvard, and well I don't know about the third one. :P The fact is that music has touched my life in a very different way. Im not after the money, Im after the recognition - Im after the fans. I don't care about anything else. I just want to have fun making music, getting my music out there. And well, If you like my music, thanks a lot and if you don't, thats also fine. 

Choke Sermon

It's hard to say, but when nothing works out for you, you really tend to get frustrated easily. Its like getting locked up in this small cage and not being able to break free, after all possible attemps. Escapes from this feeling are quite rare. Things that motivate this feeling are reducing day by day as well. An hour of the computer everyday which means - an hour to socialize, listen to music, write this very post for the blog, mix/edit music etc etc. And then the fact that your parents still ask you why you are using the laptop during that one hour of the day. You're just left with a jaw dropped and the mouth opened wide. You look at the time table for tomorrow, and the whole week - and think, "How the fuck am I gonna do all this in a matter of 6 days?" On top of that, my maths teacher gives me 2 full chapters for homework to submit in 4 days, and tells you to increase the time of maths everyday from 2 to 3 hours. As if Maths is the only subject I have, and all other subjects have no importance. Yeah, thats how sad it is.

The general environment is getting more negative day by day. The level of boredom is rising immensely. Its a big challenge just to go through a single day. You don't feel like going to school. You have a dream in which you're sleeping - and then you're woken up at 5:45 in the morning to get ready. Lack of sleep is becoming common these days. Though there aren't any side effects till now - except for your mind and health going for a six. And then you have people around you that just make you think twice. What the fuck are they? Human beings or animals? With no positive human emotions. You try to get away from them, but they just find you wherever you go. Its like, you can run and you can hide as well, but not for long. Then sometimes normal people turn into such objects of misery that its wrong even trying to explain their misery and the despair. People get used so often, and they dont know a fucking thing about it. And well then there is the basic betreyal story. Act all good at first, then fuck with the person when you feel like. As if its a fucking game. Ok now im gonna act all sweet and get whatever I want, Ohh wait, I think I dont need anything else from this person, he can fuck off. Well sorry to say, that actually helped get over you very fast. Its like that was the only thing was left to do. But thanks really, If you wouldn't have done that, I still would have been complaining right now. I guess thats the only thing that is good right now, being able to control your emotions to an extent. May it be anger or just simply laughter. I guess laughter comes in this picture because I really pitty what goes through your head when you think of fucking with people in such a way. Doesn't it bore you after sometime? And aren't you scared that it might just happen to you again? What are the odds?

I guess all this is just my "Fear Of A Blank Planet" and not the book that it was influenced by. Because whatever the album says, thats kind of what Im going through - Instead of parents, my problem is other things. And that kind of really excites or I can say fascinates me - Being able to analyze or think about what you feel, why you feel in a certain way, and what actually the final outcome will be. Its like again, I can control it. This sadness or boredom has given me the power to look at a more broader view rathet than just the lame "happy ending" theory. Its 1:20 at night, and I just feel like writing. Its like the part of the day when I can just let loose and break free - from everything. The society, the social network, the internet, the world. This is just my time and I guess I really have a lot of fun in this personal time where there's no one knocking at the door en number of times, no one calling you continously and asking what you're doing and no one looking through the window just trying to get a glimpse of whats happening.

Contractor

I guess this should have been my first post in this blog, but what the fuck? This post is so that YOU get know a little about ME. I was born on the 27th of January,1995 in New Delhi. I have been brought up in New Delhi. Now, Im 16 and a half and im a student of D.P.S R.K.Puram studying in class XI. Over the years, I have achieved various things that I am proud of, and well - Done a LOT of stupid things, some make me laugh and I still repent for some of them. I have been playing guitar for the past 4years. My life changed since I picked up the guitar back in July of 2007. I can play the Guitar, the Bass and well just basic drums. :P Before guitar, I used to actually sing - But lack of practice really spoilt my voice and now Im more of a backing vocalist. I currently play in 3 bands - I play bass for Penguin Park. I play guitar in Katai Bum and Drop. Elsewhere, I keep working on my solo project as well, playing bass and guitar. I have also now learnt how to mix and produce music. I just do it on my own right now for the music of my bands, but I want to start recording other bands and helping upcoming bands in the underground music scene in India.  I am also interested in photography - this comes from my dad. He was my inspiration to picking up the camera and start taking pictures. Ive just started getting more frequent in the past year or so. Ive started clicking gigs, and people are starting to appreciate my work. I am mostly open to all genres of music, but I mainly listen to Metal and Hard Rock (If you dont like these genres, its fine. Just dont say anything to disrespect them, atleast infront of me. Everyone has their own preferences and I totally respect that). My main musical influences are Metallica, Porcupine Tree and Dream Theater. Other influences for eg on my guitar playing are Dimebag Darrell, John Petrucci, Paul Gilbert etc. Generally, I do not like to get into any arguments and I respect everything what the other has to say and I dont really like to mind into other people's businesses. I sort of like being by myself and just be happy with my friends. Im actually really simple, kind of boring. And I think too much. I overthink about everything around me. That often gets me into making weird or rather, risky decisions etc. I have no idea how Im going to conclude this paragraph. :P Well I guess that should do it. For anything else, I am trying to figure out how to get that Ask me any question application on my blog. So when thats up, you can ask me anything you want to and get to know more about me. :D

Why did I start writing blogs? What was the inspiration? 

I just started writing blogs 3 months back in July. I currently have 4 posts and around 330 plus visits on this blog. I started writingblogs because of my best friend. Like a year back or so. I was really in a bad condition. I wouldnt say I was depressed, but I wouldnt even say that I was not. I was really sad. The whole moment was just very dark and unpleasant. Obviously there were things that led me to behave in this way. So one day I was talking to Siddhant (Siddhant Seth) and discussing my problem, he told me to write down whatever I felt, or make a video or do something. After that, whenever I felt bad or anything - I would just open up the notepad on my mac and start writing whatever I felt. At the end, I would analyze it and come to a conclusion. I would try my best to get the better out of it and just try to move on. Then there was this friends' friends blog that I came across. "kuueen" You should go check it out. Kuhu Joshi writes the most realistic and beautiful blogs. After going through some stuff of hers and reading it and relating to it reasily, I thought to myself - "Maybe I should also start writing blogs." And there it was. So one day when I was feeling all emotional and stuff, I just started writing. And the next day I made a blogger account, made a new blog and started posting. Now, the reason i am writing blogs is that I really want to go through what Ive written and try to make something out of it. Another is that I really want to look back to these blogs when I grow up - They will help me remember things of old times and blah blah blah. But the most important thing here is, I feel like sharing my experiences. Someone may actually get some help after reading what Ive written. That was what happened to me when I read Kuhu's blog. And I feel its the connection between the thoughts of people that I like. The last thing, you have all the freedom in the world. You can write about whatever you feel like. Its never planned out, whatever you write is on the spot - x tempo. This brings out your true self. You just simply let out what you have inside - release all the thoughts and emotions that are trapped inside your boned body.

What are my expectations from this blog? 

I just hope that it helps people out in the future in facing various situations and vice versa. I have learnt a lot from blogs, so I think Im just gonna do the same thing - help people learn something. And well, more people read it. :P And thats it I guess. :D

Fake Messiah

I wonder If you will ever look back and say - "I shouldn't have done what I did to you." Think for a second, that you actually cared about me, but didn't want to believe it. Just for a second. You mean nothing to me now, but still you make me think. I don't believe in your existence, but just like the devil, you fascinate me. It gets me thinking - What if it were to possess my body, and give me this power that is undefinable, strange, vivid. I guess the only reason why I believe in it is because Ive had enough of living a normal life - with normal incidences. I want to know how you are living, what you do, what you don't do. Is there any change? Are you doing the same thing to someone else, or still being immature? Its really amusing at times - Your existence. You feed of fear and pain, but sadly - Im perfectly fine. If you think that thinking about you makes a difference in my life, you are mistaken. You're more like a subject now, something worth studying. You are the abnormal that brings difference in the universe. Woah, universe. I guess thats a bit exaggerated, but I cannot think of any other word right now. Does all this go through your mind at 3 o clock at night while listening to Porcupine Tree? Im sure it does.

Things are just getting weird. The first odd months of my new class/stream were good. But now its just getting boring and uncomfortable. I have made new friends and they are nice and genuine people. But, they haven't been my friends for more than 5-6 years. They have their own bunch of friends, and sometimes I'm simply left alone. And its the same story with all my friends. We still keep meeting up, but the fact that we aren't in one class together - creates a problem. A BIG PROBLEM. I really miss them. The whole atmosphere has changed. There is this void, and theres no one fill it up.

Im not getting time to do the things I want to do. Everyday at school is so exhausting, I just reach home and crash on the bed. I don't have enough time for guitar, I don't have enough time to talk to my friends. I hardly talk on the phone nowadays. There are so many tuitions that I can't finish my school work. That leaves me with just around half an hour to an hour to use my laptop - Listen to music, talk to friends online, mix/record songs. And then at night, now my parents take my laptop away. So I can't sleep because I don't have music to make me to go to sleep. Going online through the phone is just useless - takes too much time. Blah blah blah. The list is endless. I am really waiting for October. The holidays, phew. Ill have some time to relax, cool off from all the stress, and be able to do all I can't right now. Just this one month. Thats all.

Reclamation

Sometimes the power of music is underestimated. Its supposed to be just a form of entertainment. That is not true, music gets the body moving, it invokes various emotions, helps someone to spread their message -Whatever it may be. I have been into music for more than 8 years, but I have seriously gotten into music not more than 4 years ago. I started learning guitar back in 2007. From then on, my knowledge of music expanded greatly. I started listening to various genres and easily accepting them because the only thing I used to listen before that was bollywood music and some amount of pop music. I still remember the day when my neighbor gave me this cassette to play in the car. The cassette was of Linkin Park - their album Meteora. The first "heavy" song I heard was Numb. Then came Metallica, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Pantera, Lamb Of God etc. I was introduced to metal music at the age of 12. Then came rocking out to those songs - learning them on guitar - The distortion channel on my Marshall. I would have never thought, that I couldn't sleep at night without listening to this new music I just discovered. Then came being a part of a band. Composing songs, writing lyrics - Being part of a group of people initially bonded by music, later to become a strong family.

This brings me to the main section of this write-up. Composing music - letting your feelings out. I have been through hard times in my life, faced the worse situations, but I made it through - just because of the music. The anger of a young teenager - makes a perfect metal song. It has the attitude, and it has the depth. The person composing the song does not want the world to know what he's going through to his song but unintentionally, it happens. And it happens because of the fact that the person is in that particular state of mind when we works on some piece of music.

"Falling in line, the ashes of time, Come crashing down on me." All I could remember while writing the lyrics for the song "Redemption" were the old bitter memories and hardships I faced. But after writing them down, and actually analyzing them - I felt really good. Now when I listen to the song, I always feel happy because that now is an achievement for me. I reminds me that I am no longer in a bad state. I deserve to be happy. and I will be happy. The intensity that the lyrics create - to me, are mind blowing. I never imagined I would be able to come up with something that good. Its sometimes weird, and really funny - How music can be such an important part of your life and actually help you think differently, make a difference in my life. All I wish for before I die is, that im able to sing my song - and that everyone hears it, and gets to know about how I was, or what I was.

The Passing

After some time, things started getting better. A new class, new friends, a whole new environment. It felt nice. The fact that every day was different, better – and you could sleep easily without talking to your mind. On another front, I was not looking for a relationship anymore; rather I would concentrate more on building a solid friendship. But straying off this goal was sadly occasional.

It’s really funny sometimes, when you feel that someone talks in a certain way just with you – when the fact is that they talk to everyone like that. Experiencing a variation in moods of such people is rather rare. And that sucks big time. :P You want to know more about them, but that aint gonna happen in a long time. Patience is something I have gotten better at in the past one month. There are those moments when you feel alone or you know just plain simple bored, but then there are positive things happening around as well. So I guess being neutral is better off than being depressed or being too happy. And im not thinking that much about it comparatively. I have realized what is of more importance. Thinking less about all this stuff gave me more room to experiment and be creative to a large extent.

And I have to say this – The best part this time was, I had someone to help me out and guide me through this phase of rather mixed emotions - If it was either positive or negative, having that someone who would help you no matter what felt really good. Finally someone actually returned the favor. So, I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe I am far better off and happier than others.

Dead Seeds

A warm Saturday morning, you are woken up by a cold glass of Cold Coffee just the way you like it – Less of coffee, and more of sugar. Mother comes and wishes you good morning, and jokingly “tells you to move your ass because it’s already 11:30”. You slowly get up, brush. Have a hot Omelet with onions & tomatoes along with a slice of brown bread and baked beans. You turn on your geyser and after 15 mins – Enter the shower. The day couldn’t have started on a better note. And that is when you decide to sit down under the shower and talk to your head. Having a conversation with your head is the worst thing you could possibly do. Your head takes you to places that you once were in, but never wanted to go back to. You remember such stuff that sometimes amazes you, but that’s likely the case. You are bound to remember stuff or memories that always pinch your shoulders. It’s as if you can never forget those things. The times when you were just plain simple stupid, and sometimes when you were just hopeless – With no one to help you. You feel as if it’s your own fault, but come to think of it, all you could do was move on.

The main problem is that you expect everything would be in your favor. I guess that is one place where you are wrong. This world is never going to be in your favor, you have to turn it into your favor. The so called “wants” in life will always confuse your mind. Selflessness or Selfishness.  The choices you make determine the outcomes in your life. Even after all these thoughts – you look back. Try to analyze yourself, analyze others. What happened to you that forced you to take risky measures? What happened to the people around you? Why did they not help you out when you needed them the most? These are some questions which can never be answered. The only answer you might get is – “Im sorry, I was immature.” Fuck Immaturity. You changed my life, and then went on to fuck it in the end. You don’t even realize that the amount of importance that you give to someone ultimately kills you from deep inside. To the world – You are still that happy child with a wonderful life. But you only know the thorns that exist inside you. In the end, this thought always wanders your mind – I would have actually done something IF I got another chance. 

You’re deep into all these thoughts – Then you suddenly realize, it’s been a long time in the shower and you have to get ready. You enter your room, check your mobile. 1 message unread. “Heyy. I’m really sorry. I got a call last night and then I slept. :P what is up with you?” Sometimes you want certain people to enter your life, to be a part of it, but sometimes people just become a part of your life and you don’t even realize it. Not like some guardian angel, but someone you could easily relate to and express anything easily. You wish you had more people like that in your life. “Arre chill! I understand. You got a call and then you slept. No issues. Atleast you texted me back abhi naa. Anyways, nothing much. Just had a shower and now I have nothing to do. :/ Tuition at 1. You tell me.” And then starts a conversation that will last the whole day. The only way you can possibly stop thinking about the absurd thoughts in your head. You literally drag through an hour of Math tuition. Take a cup of strong coffee because you were actually very sleepy during this whole time.

So you enter your room, close all the windows and curtains. Turn on the Air conditioner and close the door. This is your time. This is the time when you can do anything you want. Your room is your world. You sit on the laptop for sometime, fool around online. Talk to friends, watch videos on Youtube. Play your guitar for sometime as well. But then, “HI” – This aint’ the normal Hi or the Heyy that you get from everyone – You know who this is. And you are glad they are online so you could talk to them. Next thing you know – You’re already finished with your lunch and you are still talking with the same amount of excitement and happiness. You’re not bored at all. “Man I’ve never felt this good before.” Is it actually true that you have never felt this good before? Or is it just that moment? I really don’t know. But whatever it is. I’m sure you feel real good. We all say our goodbyes 2-3 times a day, ultimately winding up to the same conversation that starts after a little while, another “HI”. It takes a little time, but then you realize – This was no ordinary day. This day might actually change your life. After all the weird phases, you actually see the ray of light at the end of the tunnel. It’s how you perceive it. If you perceive it the right way, you are bound to have a sound sleep and thoughts that will surely be related to what you want to do next. And that comes even in your dreams. Perfect much?  “I just hope tomorrow is even better than today.”