Reclamation

Sometimes the power of music is underestimated. Its supposed to be just a form of entertainment. That is not true, music gets the body moving, it invokes various emotions, helps someone to spread their message -Whatever it may be. I have been into music for more than 8 years, but I have seriously gotten into music not more than 4 years ago. I started learning guitar back in 2007. From then on, my knowledge of music expanded greatly. I started listening to various genres and easily accepting them because the only thing I used to listen before that was bollywood music and some amount of pop music. I still remember the day when my neighbor gave me this cassette to play in the car. The cassette was of Linkin Park - their album Meteora. The first "heavy" song I heard was Numb. Then came Metallica, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Pantera, Lamb Of God etc. I was introduced to metal music at the age of 12. Then came rocking out to those songs - learning them on guitar - The distortion channel on my Marshall. I would have never thought, that I couldn't sleep at night without listening to this new music I just discovered. Then came being a part of a band. Composing songs, writing lyrics - Being part of a group of people initially bonded by music, later to become a strong family.

This brings me to the main section of this write-up. Composing music - letting your feelings out. I have been through hard times in my life, faced the worse situations, but I made it through - just because of the music. The anger of a young teenager - makes a perfect metal song. It has the attitude, and it has the depth. The person composing the song does not want the world to know what he's going through to his song but unintentionally, it happens. And it happens because of the fact that the person is in that particular state of mind when we works on some piece of music.

"Falling in line, the ashes of time, Come crashing down on me." All I could remember while writing the lyrics for the song "Redemption" were the old bitter memories and hardships I faced. But after writing them down, and actually analyzing them - I felt really good. Now when I listen to the song, I always feel happy because that now is an achievement for me. I reminds me that I am no longer in a bad state. I deserve to be happy. and I will be happy. The intensity that the lyrics create - to me, are mind blowing. I never imagined I would be able to come up with something that good. Its sometimes weird, and really funny - How music can be such an important part of your life and actually help you think differently, make a difference in my life. All I wish for before I die is, that im able to sing my song - and that everyone hears it, and gets to know about how I was, or what I was.

The Passing

After some time, things started getting better. A new class, new friends, a whole new environment. It felt nice. The fact that every day was different, better – and you could sleep easily without talking to your mind. On another front, I was not looking for a relationship anymore; rather I would concentrate more on building a solid friendship. But straying off this goal was sadly occasional.

It’s really funny sometimes, when you feel that someone talks in a certain way just with you – when the fact is that they talk to everyone like that. Experiencing a variation in moods of such people is rather rare. And that sucks big time. :P You want to know more about them, but that aint gonna happen in a long time. Patience is something I have gotten better at in the past one month. There are those moments when you feel alone or you know just plain simple bored, but then there are positive things happening around as well. So I guess being neutral is better off than being depressed or being too happy. And im not thinking that much about it comparatively. I have realized what is of more importance. Thinking less about all this stuff gave me more room to experiment and be creative to a large extent.

And I have to say this – The best part this time was, I had someone to help me out and guide me through this phase of rather mixed emotions - If it was either positive or negative, having that someone who would help you no matter what felt really good. Finally someone actually returned the favor. So, I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe I am far better off and happier than others.

Dead Seeds

A warm Saturday morning, you are woken up by a cold glass of Cold Coffee just the way you like it – Less of coffee, and more of sugar. Mother comes and wishes you good morning, and jokingly “tells you to move your ass because it’s already 11:30”. You slowly get up, brush. Have a hot Omelet with onions & tomatoes along with a slice of brown bread and baked beans. You turn on your geyser and after 15 mins – Enter the shower. The day couldn’t have started on a better note. And that is when you decide to sit down under the shower and talk to your head. Having a conversation with your head is the worst thing you could possibly do. Your head takes you to places that you once were in, but never wanted to go back to. You remember such stuff that sometimes amazes you, but that’s likely the case. You are bound to remember stuff or memories that always pinch your shoulders. It’s as if you can never forget those things. The times when you were just plain simple stupid, and sometimes when you were just hopeless – With no one to help you. You feel as if it’s your own fault, but come to think of it, all you could do was move on.

The main problem is that you expect everything would be in your favor. I guess that is one place where you are wrong. This world is never going to be in your favor, you have to turn it into your favor. The so called “wants” in life will always confuse your mind. Selflessness or Selfishness.  The choices you make determine the outcomes in your life. Even after all these thoughts – you look back. Try to analyze yourself, analyze others. What happened to you that forced you to take risky measures? What happened to the people around you? Why did they not help you out when you needed them the most? These are some questions which can never be answered. The only answer you might get is – “Im sorry, I was immature.” Fuck Immaturity. You changed my life, and then went on to fuck it in the end. You don’t even realize that the amount of importance that you give to someone ultimately kills you from deep inside. To the world – You are still that happy child with a wonderful life. But you only know the thorns that exist inside you. In the end, this thought always wanders your mind – I would have actually done something IF I got another chance. 

You’re deep into all these thoughts – Then you suddenly realize, it’s been a long time in the shower and you have to get ready. You enter your room, check your mobile. 1 message unread. “Heyy. I’m really sorry. I got a call last night and then I slept. :P what is up with you?” Sometimes you want certain people to enter your life, to be a part of it, but sometimes people just become a part of your life and you don’t even realize it. Not like some guardian angel, but someone you could easily relate to and express anything easily. You wish you had more people like that in your life. “Arre chill! I understand. You got a call and then you slept. No issues. Atleast you texted me back abhi naa. Anyways, nothing much. Just had a shower and now I have nothing to do. :/ Tuition at 1. You tell me.” And then starts a conversation that will last the whole day. The only way you can possibly stop thinking about the absurd thoughts in your head. You literally drag through an hour of Math tuition. Take a cup of strong coffee because you were actually very sleepy during this whole time.

So you enter your room, close all the windows and curtains. Turn on the Air conditioner and close the door. This is your time. This is the time when you can do anything you want. Your room is your world. You sit on the laptop for sometime, fool around online. Talk to friends, watch videos on Youtube. Play your guitar for sometime as well. But then, “HI” – This aint’ the normal Hi or the Heyy that you get from everyone – You know who this is. And you are glad they are online so you could talk to them. Next thing you know – You’re already finished with your lunch and you are still talking with the same amount of excitement and happiness. You’re not bored at all. “Man I’ve never felt this good before.” Is it actually true that you have never felt this good before? Or is it just that moment? I really don’t know. But whatever it is. I’m sure you feel real good. We all say our goodbyes 2-3 times a day, ultimately winding up to the same conversation that starts after a little while, another “HI”. It takes a little time, but then you realize – This was no ordinary day. This day might actually change your life. After all the weird phases, you actually see the ray of light at the end of the tunnel. It’s how you perceive it. If you perceive it the right way, you are bound to have a sound sleep and thoughts that will surely be related to what you want to do next. And that comes even in your dreams. Perfect much?  “I just hope tomorrow is even better than today.”